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Friday, July 20, 2001
When the toast does not pop out on time ... when the CD sounds like an alien moan ... when the computer refuses my commands, I turn to time-honored principles of handyman repair. I jiggle a switch, rap with my knuckles, or utter a Hebrew blessing. If these solutions do not work, I may consult a "for dummies" book, or simply dispose of the problem. This approach works fine for appliances, but when family relationships begin to falter we need more than superficial and ineffective counter-measures. When it comes to hurting families, parents should seek to be the experts on the inner-workings of their own home. There is now a new, very readable book that seeks to give parents the tools needed to peer below the symptoms of family problems.
Connecting with Our Children: Guiding Principles for Parents in a Troubled World, by Roberta M. Gilbert, M.D., is an excellent resource that lives up to its title. This is not a "how to" book on parenting techniques. Neither is the book an "isn't it awful" rehash of troubling statistics. This book is an explanation of the machinery that drives family and societal dynamics. It is a book about the relationships parents have with their children and the relationships past generations have with the present.
It is interesting for a book that explores the importance of generations to claim a family history itself. Gilbert acknowledges that she is presenting the work of Dr. Murray Bowen, who pioneered the systems approach to understanding the complex dynamics of the family. However, while putting forth the family tree of the theory, Gilbert takes Bowan's work and applies it to today's societal situation. The theoretical context is one made popular years ago in Edwin Friedman's classic, Generation to Generation.
Gilbert's book is divided into three sections. The first, "Rearing Children in a Troubled World," gives a wonderful new perspective on many common parental concerns. Gilbert guides parents away from blaming others, as she motivates them to hold a mirror to their own family dynamics to seek solutions.
The second section, "How Successful Parents Think - A Synopsis of Bowen Family Systems Theory for Parents" is really the heart of the book. In this section Gilbert leads parents through a thoughtful journey of discovery. Many parents who first use the lens of family systems to view their own parenting style report that it is like being in a dark room and suddenly having the lights turned on.
One will be tempted to jump to the last section called "Parents Connecting." This section brings the theory more into practical application. It contains lists such as, "Twenty Ways to Invade Your Child's Boundaries," "Twenty Ways to Allow A Child to Invade Your Boundaries," and what I predict will be the most dog-eared page, "Ten Ways Parents Can Enhance Relationship with Teenagers."
However, parents will do themselves a disservice if they read only these chapters. Good parenting is not about plugging in a new set of behaviors as one would read off ingredients on a recipe. This book encourages and equips parents to understand how these lists work. Parents who invest in the first two sections of the book will find themselves setting their own course. The book does for parents what good parents do for their children - it prepares them and then sets them free.
(EDITOR'S NOTE - Steve Sumerel is a Family Ministry Consultant, Baptist State Convention of North Carolina.)
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