DivorceCare in churches can heal hearts

By Melissa Lilley

BSC Communications

He came from a church steeped in Baptist tradition. He chaired search committees, taught Sunday School and served as a deacon.

Ron Duke is the kind of guy no one thought divorce could ever find.

One month before their 25th wedding anniversary Duke's wife said she did not love him and wanted a divorce.

Nearly half of all Christian marriages, the same percentage as couples that are not Christians, end in divorce.

How can churches help people wounded by divorce? Duke and Sandy Gant, minister of counseling at Enon Chapel Baptist Church in Midway Park, have a few ideas.

Ministry opportunity

Without having experienced divorce, knowing how to help people in this situation can be tough. This is why Duke suggests churches offer divorce support groups or an outreach such as DivorceCare.

DivorceCare groups meet for 13 weeks and discuss topics such as loneliness, anger, depression, finances, new relationships and forgiveness.

Nothing helped Duke heal more than DivorceCare. "It's a very safe place," he said. "It's an escape to be with people who understand where you are. There's great value in that fellowship."

Duke now leads DivorceCare at Summit Church in Durham.

Enon Chapel has a Sunday School class and weekly support group for people who have been divorced. Gant said these groups provide accountability and teach people to rely on scripture and biblical teaching.

"Having compassion and listening is important, but we are really helping them apply scripture passages to bring about change," Gant said. "It's easy to tear down a spouse, but God tells us to forgive. We help them learn how to get rid of the bitterness."

Pulpit support

Divorce outreach and ministry is not possible without support from the pulpit. "The pastor is the one who is the leader in the congregation," Duke said. "He's the one who has more to do with promoting any ministry."

J.D. Greear, pastor of Summit, said divorce outreach is another opportunity to take the gospel to the community.

Greear encourages churches to explain the dangers and harms of divorce, but to do so in a way that "communicates grace and mercy."

Once pastors realize the need for divorce ministry other changes will come. Gant suggests more churches add counselors to their staff and offer a counseling ministry.

Premarital counseling is a valuable resource churches can offer to the congregation and community. Pastors should encourage church members to participate in premarital counseling.

Gant said one reason marriages fail is because people are consumed with self and getting what they want. Premarital counseling helps couples focus on needs of their spouse.

Reach out

Duke described divorce as a near-death experience, spurring overwhelming loneliness and pain that stayed "raw all the time."

Churches must encourage their members to reach out to hurting people. Friends made sure Duke did not always eat dinner alone and that he received many phone calls and visits.

Gant urges people to be available to someone going through divorce. "Listen to them first," she said. "A lot of times we just want to jump in and fix it."

When divorce threatens to seize control people look for someone to offer hope. "People are looking for answers," Gant said. "It's the people you have coffee with, who you work with side by side. You don't have to knock on new doors."